Colorectal Cancer What to do ?

On 09-12-03, at 6:00 pm, I noticed blood in my stool. Not red blood, but dark blood, almost black blood.
That immediately triggered recollections of prior symptoms that I had discarded as a little unusual, but, not abnormal. The size, shape and color of some of my stools had differed, but, that had happened all of my life at various times. But, with the introduction of blood, the random symptoms occuring over the previous months coalesced into but one explanation ..... Colorectal Cancer.

On the ride to dinner that evening I told a dear, long time friend who was riding with me, that I had Colorectal Cancer.
At first Steve was in disbelief and denial, but after a minute of discussion and knowing me, he felt certain that my diagnosis was probably accurate. He immediately called a physician friend of his, Vince Miller, a lung specialist at Memorial Sloan Kettering Cancer Center in New York City. While Colorectal Cancer was not Vince's specialty, he could provide the road map and guidance needed in my initial phase.

Vince would become one of my Guardian Angel's and a good friend as well.

That evening as I lay in bed contemplating my future and the possibility that I might not have one, I began to construct a plan of attack.

I took a short cut. I didn't go through the process of denial, I accepted that this was the hand I was dealt, and that I needed to play it as best I could.

Denial is a waste of time, emotion and effort.
It's better to be confrontational, to meet the enemy and do battle as soon as possible.

I chose to do things simultaneously, rather than sequentially.

I. Due Diligence

I began to research Colorectal Cancer, radiation therapy, surgery and chemotherapy.
I began to search for diagnosticians, surgeons, oncologists and other Cancer specialists.
I researched institutions that specialized in Cancer throughout the United States as well as other highly regarded institutions.
I also did some statistical research, but, in all honesty, I was only concerned about one statistic ...... ME.

I needed to know what Stage Cancer I had.
Knowing the stage would better enable me to make important decisions with respect to which path or paths I would take.
This is sometimes a difficult task absent surgery and biopsies.

I also decided to err on the conservative or very aggressive side.
I didn't want to take any chances.
I was willing to go through anything if it improved my chances of survival, and I didn't care if the incremental benefits were miniscule to statisticians, I wanted every percentile I could muster.

My first step was to confirm my diagnosis.
09-12-03 was a friday.
Saturday, I called a gastroenterologist whom I knew, Bob Shlein, and told him my tale and made an appointment to see him Monday morning.

I cried Sunday night. Not for myself, my plight or my condition, but, for my little angel, my five year old son. If things got bad, how would I tell him that Daddy was going to heaven.
That I was leaving him, forever, and that we'd never play with each other, hug and kiss each other or see each other again. I didn't want him to see me, the man he looked up to and worshiped, as all kids do with their fathers, as I weakened, as life ebbed from my frail body. Those thoughts devastated me, and I cried. But, those thoughts helped me, they steeled my resolve beyond belief. And, one of the D's came to life. Determination. I was determined to do whatever it took to make sure that I'd never have to have those conversations with my little boy. I stopped crying. It was time to move on, to get a good night's rest in preparation for the journey and battle that lay ahead.

On Monday morning I met with Dr Shlein. He was terrific. He tried to reassure me that perhaps my diagnosis was the result of some other condition. He arranged for a Colonoscopy on Wednesday. On Friday the lab results from the Colonoscopy were back......... I had Cancer.

I had already accepted that fact, so the news, while not favorable, wasn't devastating, and it was now time to continue with my journey into the unknown and marshall my plans for battle.

The next step in the diagnostic phase was a CT Scan to see if my cancer was localized or if it had spread. I insisted that there be no further delay and that the CT Scan be done late Friday, which it was. One of the technicians indicated that the results wouldn't be available until Monday. I indicated that that was not acceptable and that I would wait in the hospital until the results were known.

I must tell you that you reflect on a number of things while you're waiting to see if you have two weeks, two months, two years or an indeterminable amount of time left on this planet.

As I waited for the results, I was at relative peace with MYSELF.
I had had a good life, if a truck had hit me that day, ending my life, I would have had few regrets, But, I had one enormous concern... I had a five year old child and my overriding concern was that I didn't want that child to grow up without a father. That single thought and fear further stiffened my resolve and made all of my decisions easier. I would do whatever it took to prevent that occurence. I would endure any and all suffering, pain and discomfort to make sure that I did whatever was humanly possible to insure that my little boy would grow up with his father. I also had a wonderful wife and two terrific older children from a previous marriage who needed me.

My personality, especially my sense of humor and stubborness were about to become my greatest assets.

To be continued.